Question of sport Cow poke Laughter lines In from the cold Match needle Courting disaster It's a net loss

TALK of the Scottish Premier League setting up its own televisionchannel, makes John Newlands wonder: "There is one question for fansfacing the prospect of St Mirren v Hamilton on pay-per-view TV thatneeds answered. How much would they be paid?"

ARTIST Alasdair Gray (pictured below) is to create his firstdigital artwork in Glasgow's Ubiquitous Chip restaurant where, onspecial evenings, diners will wear 3D glasses to view an electronicmural which will include an animated cow wandering into the room.

One catty West Ender showed her enthusiasm by telling us: "Trustme, you can see that in any West End restaurant, nae 3D glassesrequired."

DAVID McVey was at the weekend's Kirkintilloch Rob Roy v LanarkUnited match at the weekend when Rob Roy were denied a late secondgoal because the linesman flagged for offside.

"Men - they just don't understand the offside rule," shouted onefan.

bad weather reminds Rod Macfarlane of working as a Glasgow hotelnight porter two years ago. On a miserable night with the snowcoming down hard, Rod answered the front door at four in themorning, and was confronted by a naked man.

Says Rod: "The embarrassed chap explained he was a guest who hadsleep-walked out of his room, and turned right out the fire escape.It was only as the fire door closed on him, that he awakened. Hisonly way in was to walk down the fire escape, and come round to thefront door."

The mortified chap asked Rod not to tell anybody - which heagreed to, as he was in fact not going to tell anybody, but to telleverybody.

WE can empathise with the mother in Glasgow yesterday who wailed:"Andy Murray! I gave up my only lie-in of the week for that!" And asone philosopher opined before Andy's match: "Would he win it forBritain, or would he lose it for Scotland?"

A DISGRUNTLED tennis fan phones to tell us: "Andy Murray shouldmove to Cairo. They can't get anything over the net there either."

OR as the chap in the pub said the other night: "Did you readthat the internet has gone down all over Egypt?" "Must have the samerotten provider as I have," replied his mate.